Best E-mails of the Week 7/7/02
Here is a great 4th of July site (keep your speakers sound on):
Here is another site with Red Skelton discussing the Pledge of Allegiance (sound on):
Band of Roving
Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Rooters) -- Unwilling to wait for their
eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S.
companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican
border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the
entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then
double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces,
just north of El Paso, "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where
they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against
pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had
arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a
200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
under performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse
were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand
behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse
spokesman Dean Levitt.. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the
name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations.
I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by
preying on a common executive weakness: media coverage. "Last
night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female
officers as a CNN anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson
Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices
to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of
the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,"
said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was
totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this
Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's
Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur
Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone
Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed
to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including
Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she
had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off
"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to
ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible
snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms,"
said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell
No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed
into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed
themselves up at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place
at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the
minivans and accounting for each change as a sale.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount.
At BOEING however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are
often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
11. Doing a study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. Terminating anyone who points out the irrelevant fact that the horse
16. Announce, "Of course the horse is dead, that was the strategy from the
17. Keep the rider on until he/she gives up and moves on to a different
18. Deny that there is, or ever was, a dead horse.
19. Re-organize the managerial command structure to place the blame on
someone without family connections in the upper management ranks.
20. Sell lots of company stock before announcing any news about the dead
horse. Then buy back after the price dropped.
Last week I asked why the bridge towers are not parallel. Here is Jim's answer:
The distance between the 2 towers of the V. N. bridge is substantial.
So much so that the curvature of the planet's surface becomes a consideration.
For the towers to remain perpendicular to the bedrock where they are anchored,
i.e. plumb, they MUST be out of parallel, to one another.
Actually they are 3/4" out each way or 1 5/8" further apart at the tops of the 693' towers than at the bottoms.
The span of 4260' = .80 miles. The algebraic equation to solve for similar triangles is:
0.8 / 3950miles (earth radius) = x / 693'
x = 0.8 * 693' / 3950 = 0.14' = 1.68" = 1 5/8"
Giovanni was the first European to sail into NY harbor in 1524.
Here is our 4th of July picnic tent at Lou's and Mary's.
I made a frame from vinyl siding channels on a Formica rectangle board to hold red white and blue fruit. Watermelon, raspberries and strawberries were the red stripes in the flag. (We used cool whip for the white stripes.) Blueberries and star fruit for the 13 stars. After we made it, the kids ate it all within the hour!
It's legal to sell sparklers in Connecticut this year.
They have the 24" long sparklers that everybody
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