Best E-mails of the Week    11/03/02

   A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden
   he hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the
   source.  He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
   grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
   Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being
   played backward!  Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a
   friend to return with him.

   By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
   This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it
   is being played backward.  Curious, the men agree to consult a music
   scholar.  When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
   playing, again backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are
   being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
   9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

   By the next day, the word has spread, and a throng has gathered around
   the grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
   backward.  Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
   Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

   "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.  "He's just
   decomposing."

That was a typical homonym or quasi homonym joke. (So was the decomposing joke above.)

A little boy raised his hand and said to the teacher "Can I go to the bathroom?"

She was trying to teach the polite version of "May I ?" instead of "Can I ?", so she said:
Did you just say Can? "Oh no, ma'am" he said "I said Bathroom"!

Note that half of the Reader's Digest jokes are homonym or quasi homonym jokes each month,

What was he? (Hint, not a homonym joke")

It is tough being a man...

>If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from
>the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
>If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

>If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
>If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

>If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
>exploitation.
>If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should
>get off your butt and find something better.

>If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
>If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

>If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
>If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

>If you cry, you're a wimp.
>If you don't, you're insensitive.

>If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
>If she thumps you, it's self-defense. (Don't thump on your spouse.)

>If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
>chauvinist.
>>If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a
>liberated woman.

>If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
>domination.
>If she asks you, it's a favor.

>If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're
>a pervert.
>If you don't, you're a fag.

>If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape,
>you're sexist.
>If you don't, you're unromantic.

>If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
>If you don't, you're a slob.

>If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
>If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

>If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
>If you don't, you're not ambitious.

>If she has a headache, she's tired.
>If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

>If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
>If you don't, there must be someone else.

>NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!   THEY WANT TO !!!!!.
 

The History of Thanksgiving (seriously)

The Pilgrims first celebrated a day of thanksgiving in 1621.

After a year of hardship in the “New World”, the Pilgrims had a plentiful fall harvest.

They dined on wild fowl, Indian corn, pumpkin, beans, nuts, carrots and seafood.

The custom of celebrating a day of thanksgiving after the harvest continued throughout the years.

In 1863 President Abraham Lincoln declared the first national day of thanksgiving.

Since then, each president has issued a Thanksgiving Day proclamation, generally

appointing the fourth Thursday of November as the day of celebration.

And which seafood did they eat? Probably lobster.

I usually don't do this sort of thing, but this is a really good thing. 
I've used this phone service for both regional and long distance calls for
almost a year in both New Jersey and Ohio.  It's $.03 a minute and excellent
quality and customer service.  Thought I'd pass it on.  Click on my referral
link below if interested.....Sal

Subject: INTENSIVE CARE!

>  There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
>  always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
>  regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and
>  some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.  No
>  one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11
>  a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts were assembled to
>  investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few
>  minutes before 11a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the
>  ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
>  Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to
>  ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson,
>  the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
>  system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

 Pete,

 the trouble magnet.